in case you don't hear from me i'm not dead, just thinking about it
Ah it's gonna be one of those days, weeks, months, years (I never really know). What seemingly started harmlessly enough on Friday as a bit of being cranky, because my office was so stuffy, has turned into full blown pre-occupation with visions of my grim demise. I also might be depressed a little, but I think it's more the pictures in my head that have lead to that, rather than the emotions that have led to the pictures. Who knows though? Certainly not me. I think it's just hard to be cheery when your head keeps seeing you stepping out in front of a bus or slipping in the shower, breaking your neck, and ultimately dying do to drowning (the shower drain is very slow).

The one I've been most hung up on I'd have to wait for winter for. It's pro'ly a little over romanticized, and I know it would actually hurt like a bitch, but hey pictures don't cause actual physical pain. Anyways a clear, starry, winter's night is necessary, as is a good amount of snow on the ground. Really I suppose it could be anywhere you could see the stars, but I seem to be hung up on the idea of it taking place in the middle of a frozen and snowy Lake Mendota. It just makes a good scene to imagine stabbing, disemboweling, or otherwise making myself bleed and die in that situation. A nice eerily quiet night, clear sky, and you'd get the fun pool of blood soaking into the snow. Plus, even though it's highly unlikely, there's always a chance my corpse would be over looked and the ice would melt and I'd fall into the lake. Pro'ly not I know, but there's a chance.

More than likely I pro'ly won't actually do anything, and just stick to slapping random scars on my body. Every once in a while though I get hung up like this and it's hard to want to do anything, other than shut out the rest of the world. In my worst moments I think, 'Oh hey I'll be in Madison in January. That'd be a good winter break. Beat FFXII and orchestrate my own demise in the middle of the lake. Neat that's only like 7 more months that I have to put up with living.' Yes, yes I don't really want to be like this, but enough of me is this crazy that it makes a push now and then.

So, to any of you out there who read this terrible sorry. Not for having such thoughts or anything, but for potentially going into seclusion or just being weird to talk to. Thankfully I only have one class today, otherwise things would pro'ly be a whole lot worse.